I. needed. better. boundaries. I mean that was it in a nutshell, but let me elaborate. Things started great, as these things usually did, and then that did not last, again as these things usually tended to. Sigh.
The first thing I did wrong? I did not listen to my gut. I always listened to my gut. But as someone who leaned into an avoidant attachment style, I thought I needed to quieten that voice and give love a chance. Stop being so closed off to love. So I gave him a chance.
This man love-bombed right outta the gate. Told me all sorts of wonderful things. He painted himself as a sensitive soul and he was but I am someone who moves at a snail’s pace in relationships. I am not a fan of declarations of love early on. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt and trusted and believed him. It all moved way too fast for me and I felt bad that I didn’t immediately the same way he did.
The first boundary that I broke was giving this very new person money. Continuously. Like regularly. ‘Cause he never had money or anything to eat. I got it, shit happens. COVID hit me hard. I was unemployed for a long time. When I found work, I worked at intern stipend prices. So I fully understood not having money. That and the fact that I grew up fairly poor. Unfortunately, he was an artist who did not treat his art like a business. Therefore, he never had money.
So when it so happened that he got tired of dealing with his housemate’s BS, he decided to move out. He told me that he had nowhere to go. What was a girl to do? Let her partner become homeless? I was deeply uncomfortable with having him move in. It had only been six months, and I preferred to move these big decisions at a slower pace. But I was promptly guilt-tripped because “couples are supposed to support one another”, right? Right? Anyway, I also did not live alone. I had to run it by the people I lived with. My mother said it was a bad idea and it would put a strain on our relationship, and for the four days he was there, it absolutely did.
One night he went as far as going through my phone and checking my messages and then waking me up at 1 am to interrogate me. I was shocked and appalled by this behaviour. I had never had the inclination to check someone’s phone. If they cheated, let them. The truth would come out. But now all of a sudden, I was not to be trusted because I did not jump at the chance to help him. From that day forward he monitored my every move on social media and checked when I was online. The trust was violated, and I cannot speak for others, but I did not think what we had could be rebuilt if both parties were not making serious efforts to deal with their issues.
I was also told long stories about how his previous partner cheated on him. Now, don’t get me wrong. I have empathy. That was a shitty thing to have happened to him. But now it felt like I was moved into that same category. The type of woman who would cheat. As if! Dealing with one man at a time was enough! His exes were always the crazy ones. I’m not saying they weren’t but I could not fact check this. But when a man says all his exes were crazy who was the common denominator? He was constantly asked me about my ex-husband. He wanted all the details. I am not one to dwell on past relationships. I made my peace with the past. I went to therapy. I did the work. I also do not like bad-mouthing my exes and it felt like he wanted me to do this. Yes, I realise this is what I am doing but it’s mostly to let others know no matter how healed you think you can fall into a toxic relationship.
The second boundary was the fact that I almost allowed myself to be coerced into regular unprotected sex. Here, was a man who flat-out told me he never needed to use protection as I wouldn’t fall pregnant, even though he had a child. Erm, okay. This went back and forth for a while. The whole sex situation made me feel so uncomfortable. Then, add on top of this the story he told me about his ex using sex as leverage and withholding it as punishment. I had so many conflicting feelings about it. Whenever I tried to broach the topic, he dismissed it and shut me down. He even called me paranoid at one point, and I shit you not, “Well, if the universe wants us to have a baby…” Erm, excuse me, sir! Take several seats. I am purposefully child-free. I am not child-free by accident but a conscious life decision. He refused any type of male protective methods, as obviously, he couldn’t have him doing anything permanent or semi-permanent to his body. But it was perfectly acceptable for me to be on birth control. Double standard much? I did not want to be on any type of birth control. So, stalemate. Near the end, no sex. No surprises there. But I had to hear about how much pain he was in because blue balls? I don’t know.
As a chronic migraine sufferer, I get a migraine once a month with every period. But let me tell you, as this relationship progressed, I got a migraine every week. I spent weekends in bed and vomiting into the toilet bowl. I had a cold every month. My chest was tight all the time. Lord, my body rejected this man, and I did not listen to my body. Since being single again, I am back to my one-period migraine a month and haven’t had a cold since. Very interesting, very interesting indeed.
Lastly, I ignored his massive mother wound. I won’t go into the details of their relationship but how a man speaks to and treats his mother tells you a lot about a person. So that is something to look out for if I ever get into another relationship.
The more I gave this person, the more he took and expected. I emptied myself. I felt as if I had a child and took on the role of his ‘mother’. When I told him this, he took major offence to this. I merely explained our current relationship dynamic to him, which had become too toxic for me. I mean, this man wanted me to pay his rent!!!!
So at the end of it all, I walked away. I chose me. So now with the pesky context out of the way, what did I learn?
- Listen to your intuition, gut, and inner voice. She never lies.
- Trust my judgement. If something feels off, it is off.
- No means no.
- Don’t do things that make me uncomfortable.
- I could have avoided all of this if I stuck to a trusty vibrator – vibrators don’t love-bomb or gaslight.
- Ensure the person is emotionally intelligent and able to communicate effectively.
- Any type of addiction no matter how seemingly innocuous will become a bigger problem later on.
- Stop being too nice.
- Tell it like it is.
- Don’t make excuses for the other person.
- If you don’t feel comfortable telling your best friend about his behaviour then something is not right.
I read and I write things 