Humorous, Life, travel

How to piss off a South African

The Matador Network is website all about travel and they have a series of articles that they run called “how to piss of a/an [insert nationality]”. These articles are almost always sarcastic and make fun of how we stereotype people from other countries. I thought it would be fun if I added my 2 cents. So here is my version:

South Africans are generally a friendly bunch. We love big get-together’s, great food, sports and go out of our way to make visitors feel welcome in this beautiful country of ours. That’s not to say that you can’t get us riled up.

Africa is a continent, South Africa is a country

More accurately Africa is a gigantic continent and in comparison South Africa is a small country at the southern tip of Africa. No, I don’t know your friend from Kenya. How could I possibly? No, I’m not from Nigeria. Nigeria and South Africa are two completely different countries separated by thousands of kilometres and different cultures.

No, elephants and lions do not roam the streets freely. Seriously though, they just don’t.

Hard as this may be to believe but we do have paved roads and traffic lights and the only thing that may jump at your car would be young kids wanting to wash your windscreen at a red light for small change. Sure some parts of the country is rural but even here the only wildlife you might see wandering around is a horse or a cow. If you want to see lions or elephants please feel free to visit one of our many spectacular game reserves. We also have large cities with buildings, running water, western toilets, electricity and ATM machines.

South Africans are sport obsessed

If you want to turn a friend into an enemy all you have to do is say that the Australian cricket team is the better cricket team. We have a sports rivalry going back decades. This will not endear you to the locals as it is common knowledge that the South African cricket team fondly known as the Proteas are the best in the world. In fact not even Australia’s rugby team comes close to our mighty Springbokke the South African rugby team. You would do well to remember that anything Australia can do, we just do better.

Proud to be coloured

This is a weird one but yes, you read that right. Do not tell us that we are free and that we do need not call ourselves coloured. We know we are free. Perhaps the term coloured is not politically correct in the rest of the world but in South Africa it refers to a group of people of mixed heritage and we are proud of that heritage.

It don’t matter if you’re black or white

Not just a catchy Michael Jackson song but you need to know that not all South Africans are black some of us are actually white. Yes there are white people in South Africa. Born and bred for centuries and some of them can even speak Xhosa. You do need to bear in mind that there are many unique and distinctly different tribes so please do not lump all black people together as one. I’m really not making any of this up. Shout out to the South African Indians many of whom can speak Zulu. We’ve got a whole rainbow nation thing going over here.

But doesn’t South Africa have a high crime rate?

Yes there is crime in South Africa but you know what, there is crime everywhere. The world is sadly a dangerous place but all you need to do is practice common sense and you will be fine. Don’t wander around all alone drunk at 2am down dark alleys.

There is a big difference between a South African from Cape Town and one from Johannesburg.

Ok so now you know where South Africa. Great, you’re making progress and I am so proud of you. I’m from Cape Town so please don’t mistake me for someone from Johannesburg. People from Johannesburg are landlocked workaholics who are only interested in making money. People from Cape Town are laid back beach bums.

See below picture for further geographic clarification:

Africa Political Large

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Humorous, Life

How to study for a very important exam

I’ve got exams next week and absolutely cannot wait (sarcasm) – This is how I study, I kid you not. This is actually more of a how-not-to.

1. Place textbooks and summarised notes on your desk.

2. Place pen, pencil, ruler and other stationery paraphernalia at right angle to books on desk.

3. Log onto Facebook.

4. Open textbook to Chapter 1, you may also open your notebook with your personal notes.

5. Chat with merry abandonment with ‘friends’ on Facebook.

6. Remove yellow highlighter from pencil bag.

7. Get up and stretch.

8. Whilst up might as well make a cup of tea/coffee.

9. Check emails whilst waiting for water to boil.

10. With tea in hand start reading over study material.

11. Yawn.

12. Check your WordPress blog stats.

13. Check WordPress Freshly Pressed.

14. Check phone for any messages.

15. Try to get through Chapter 1 without killing yourself.

16. Create awesome study playlist.

17. Congrats on finishing Chapter 1.

18. Check out latest YouTube videos.

19. Use yellow highlighter in Chapter 2.

20. Watch one episode of your current favourite series.

21. Feeling peckish? Go make yourself a snack.

22. Halfway through Chapter 2 mix things up and use a green highlighter.

23. Do the dishes.

24. Read same paragraph over and over and still not understand it – read it again. One sentence at a time.

25. Try to finish the next 3 chapters without distractions or interruptions – skip the boring parts and read only the parts that you find interesting.

26. Mind maps.

27. Check out Pinterest and Weheartit for some inspirational study quotes.

28. When you get to the last Chapter listen to the Rocky soundtrack to get you through the last round.

29. Pat yourself on back for covering all the chapters.

30. Get a good nights rest and a healthy breakfast the morning of the exam.

31. Hope and pray that you pass.

32. Forget everything you learnt now that exam is over.

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Books, comedy, Humorous, movies

When funny isn’t funny anymore

Ok I get it ha ha ha it was funny the first few times. In fact it was even funnier when I said it. But is it just me or is becoming less funny by the nanosecond? I’m sure you’re getting tired of it as well. The Twilight jokes, the Justin Bieber jokes, the Harry Potter jokes.

Everyone including their smelly drunk uncle and his three-legged dog has got a Twilight joke or snarky comment. It’s so funny that it’s not funny. When it was only the elite few that was sniggering about it well then it was still ok. But now everyone is doing it and which is such a turn off for me. The minute something becomes too popular I run in the opposite direction. So now I will have to start gushing about Edward ‘s pale sparkly skin. Those are the rules. My rules but they still count.

For now I’ll laugh because well it really still is kinda funny. Laugh with me now.

 

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fashion, Humorous

Fashion trends that annoy Part 2

It’s good to know I’m not all alone with my neurosis and that other people suffer from the same intolerance to fads and just pure people craziness. This list is from a new reader – welcome aboard Sam.

Gold teeth – not entirely sure when this became attractive.

Army boots (to be honest these I kind like but the reality is we’re not in the army)

 Boyfriend jeans (It’s not really your boyfriend’s jeans and you know it)

Short shorts, high-waisted shorts and the peek-a-boo pockets – a big no

Ke$ha and her star make up

Tattoos on fingers – as if wrists and ankles weren’t bad enough

And last but not least the CHINA TOWN floral pants with the non-removable tan belt (yes Sam they do appear to be everywhere I look)

Images: weheartit.com

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fashion, Humorous

Fashion trends that are annoying me right now – Part 1

I know we all have our own style and we should do as we please and not care what anyone says about us but seriously some things should be banned.

Nerdy specs – there is nothing wrong with owning a pair if you actually need it! Everyone and their mother seems to have oversized specs. Some don’t even bother to have proper lenses cut for it as the designers name is still on the dummy lens.

Harem pants – why wear a pants that gives you a saggy flat ass? This look only works for an elite few. Sadly you’re not one of them. Take it off now and burn it.

Couples who wear matching clothes – track suits in particular. I don’t even think I need to say anymore on this below is a lovely example of a major fashion faux pas.

White pointy boots – I just don’t get this. It does not look comfortable. Looks even worse when it’s in white. What possesses people to do crazy things?

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Humorous, Life

10 Things that make me realise I am getting older

cassette and pencil

1. I know what the co-relation is between a VHS cassette and a spoon as well as a mix tape cassette and a pencil.

2. I refer to tv shows and cartoons that my younger cousins have never heard of and love the confused and surprised faces when I know all about a new movie that was based on an old show.

3. I can no longer do hand stands.

4. For some reason I can’t dance until sunrise and still be fresh and rested after only 2 hours of sleep. What’s even more amazing is that I really don’t care.

5. Gravity is becoming harder to fight, and I was never great at physics anyway.

6. I can say “Oh I used to wear those when I was younger” when a ‘new’ fashion trend emerges.

7. I’m a decade closer to life beginning at 40.

8. These new fangled rap stars do not have a clue what real rap or hip hop is about.

9. Beetles weren’t Bugs and Minis weren’t Coopers.

10. Floppy’s and stiffy’s were computer disks – no innuendo intended.

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comedy, Humorous

Which blogger are you? A sort of parody

1. The personal blogger – they tend to drone on and on about the daily going ons in their lives and isn’t a blog just the perfect platform to force feed their readers another story about that horrible colleague with the halitosis? No one cares about that strange rash you have. Over-share much? It’s like sneaking a peek into someones diary, creepy.

2. The fashion blogger – Doting boyfriends who trail after their girlfriends taking pictures of their clothes. Everyday!?! Have you nothing better to do? I do so envy your fabulous life though – free clothes, international fashion shows, you even have give-aways and competitions (how neat) and thanks so much for those helpful make-up tutorials I don’t know how I would have applied my mascara otherwise.

3. The travel blogger – wait no this is the blogger I envy. Exotic far-flung places and free accommodation? What a great combination. Please let me stay at your establishment for free. I promise I’ll write you a stellar review for all 10 of my readers. Apparently it is possible, we can all live this life. Seriously, we can’t all be travel writers. It is not really possible for every Joe Blogg to sustain a lifestyle based purely on travel and writing. You make it sound so easy but the truly succesful travel bloggers has secondary means of income.

4. The amateur photographer blogger – oh see this lovely picture I took of a spoon in Rome. Look at how the angle of the light is reflecting off the spoon. Marvelous isn’t it? Who would have thought something so simple could be so beautiful? Now look at this blade of grass. See how I captured its essence. Anyone with an iPhone, SLR or even just a regular point and shoot can now go pro. Annie Leibovitz? I could teach her a thing or two.

5. The mommy blogger – the morning school runs, the nanny/maid issues, the paranoia, the non-existent sex life, your kids bowel movements. No topis is taboo. Motherhood is so hard but I make this s@#t look easy. Just stop trying to be superwoman, kids are more resilient than we give them credit for.

6. The serious writer blogger – no funny posts here. I’m trying to get published dammit.  I’m such a tortured artist. Nobody understands me. I’m going on a hunger strike. Buy my e-book in the meantime though – only $2.00, paypal accepted.

7. The foodie blogger – your grandmother whispered the secret family recipe to you on her deathbed? Well kudos for posting on your blog. I’m sure she’ll be so proud of you. Also stop enticing me with photos of perfectly prepared dishes. I know that if I try it will look nothing like yours. I do not have a direct link to Nigella like you. In fact I live on toast and cereal, this is all a bit much for me. Too much work and I ‘d rather just go to my favourite restaurant and order whatever I feel like eating. Much easier.

8. The self-help guru blogger – if your life is in shambles look no further. I’ll show you how to change your life and be the happy person you deserve to be in 12 easy steps. No this is not AA but follow this link if you do have a drinking problem.

9. The cat blogger – stories of your cat, pictures of your cat, guest post by your cat using its furry little paws. Catwoman was sexy. You? Not so much.

10. The financial adviser blogger – yes you too can have financial peace of mind.  Not only will I show you how to become debt free and save for that rainy day but I’ll show how I made millions by investing, playing with the stock market and even insider trading. No it’s not all illegal and in fact it’s all the rage these days.

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